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Performance appraisals: from dreaded routines to meaningful dialogues

Lisa Gill
31 March 2025

A gravestone with the words 'Soulless Performance Appraisals' inscribed on it

It’s a common challenge I hear. Whatever performance appraisal process you have, most organisations want individuals to take more responsibility for their development. Yet somehow, it feels so difficult to do.

Picture this scenario. I’m a manager (or perhaps a coach) and a colleague is joining me for their bi-annual performance appraisal discussion. They’ve gathered some 360 feedback from colleagues, and we usually spend some time reflecting on how things have been going, challenges they’re facing, and goals they’d like to set. However, when the meeting starts, I can’t shake the feeling that it’s me leading this conversation. It’s me that’s responsible, and they are sort of passive – politely waiting for me to suggest things. Not wanting there to be awkward silences, I try to be helpful, suggesting ideas or next steps. It feels sort of productive, but after the meeting’s ended, I can’t help but wonder if they were just saying what they thought I wanted to hear. What would they have suggested as goals or actions if I hadn’t suggested any? Will it be me responsible next time as well?

Does that sound familiar? Here’s the thing. In that scenario, my intentions are positive. I want to be helpful. But unfortunately, me continuing to facilitate performance appraisal discussions like this keeps us stuck in the very dynamic I’m trying to break. Me offering advice and solutions. Me not naming this feeling I have that I am responsible and they are in more of a waiting stance.

So how do we shift this from me being responsible to each individual truly owning their own development? Here’s what I said to my coachee when she asked me this question.

1) Check how you are being

The number one thing that influences a dynamic in any conversation is how you are being. How you are being trumps whatever you are doing or saying. In the scenario I described above, you could characterise my way of being as:

  • Overly responsible (i.e. it is me that is responsible for the outcome of this conversation)

  • Not relating to their potential (i.e. offering advice and solutions, instead of asking them what they think)

  • A bit inauthentic (i.e. not saying anything about what I am picking up under the surface, in this case, that it feels like I am responsible and they are perhaps a bit passive or saying what they think I want to hear)

  • In summary, you could say I’m being a bit parent-child

And because I am being a bit parental, they become more passive. They are more of a consumer of this conversation than a co-producer.

So how can we be instead when having these kinds of conversations?

An adult-adult way of being:

  • Place the responsibility with them. E.g. “So this is your performance appraisal conversation and I am simply here to support you. What would you like to talk about in this session?”

  • Relate to their potential. E.g. Asking coaching questions, instead of defaulting to giving advice or solutions when I sense them hesitate or struggle. Examples could be: “What goals would be meaningful for you in the next six months?” or “How could you take the next step(s) in your development?”

  • Be authentic. E.g. If you sense there is a dynamic going on, name it. “I have the feeling that maybe you are waiting for me to suggest things or saying what you think I want to hear. What would you need in order to take more ownership of this conversation?

2) Check if there is a clear, agreed purpose

Many times the reason that people are not owning something (a meeting, a task, a project) is because the purpose is not clear or shared. A lot of times we do the performance appraisal dance without really agreeing on the purpose of these conversations. When we have recurring meetings, the purpose can end up being “because the meeting is scheduled” or “because it’s just what we do”, instead of something that actually creates value.

One tip is to literally ask people: “On a scale from 1 to 5, where 1 is “totally unclear” and 5 is “totally clear”, how clear is the purpose of these sessions to you?” If it’s anything less than a 5, you can ask what is missing for it to be a 5. Usually this generates fruitful conversations about what the purpose is, and more importantly, creating and agreeing together what would be an inspiring and meaningful purpose. Not just “because we’re supposed to”.

Examples of purposes could be: to discuss and agree next steps in my development, to share and get input on challenges I’m struggling with, to get coaching on how to progress in my career, to identify meaningful development goals for myself, to be acknowledged and appreciated for my progression and achievements.

3) Check if the structure is serving your purpose

Once you get really clear on the purpose of these conversations, you might realise that the structure or process you have in place doesn’t actually support that. Or it could be that it even undermines the purpose. For example, if you truly want individuals to own their development, but your process is centred around a manager deciding things in a top-down way, you have a misalignment!

For some inspiration, here are two examples I’ve found of structures for a performance appraisal-type process that is adult-adult, and fosters ownership of the person whose development is being discussed.

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Example 1: RUHI conversations

RUHI stands for ‘R U Having Impact?’ and it’s the name of the process implemented at Belgian consultancy Projective Group. Here’s how it works:

  • It’s a 90-minute conversation that takes place twice a year (or upon specific request)

  • It features the focus person, and two representatives from the company

  • These representatives are not managers, and to be a RUHI coach, you have to apply and meet some criteria in terms of your coaching skills (e.g. not being controlling)

  • The idea is to have a deeper conversation about your development, and (hopefully) align your purpose with the company’s purpose

  • It’s also an opportunity to share two-way feedback – the RUHI hosts gather feedback on behalf of the focus person, but the individual also gives feedback to the RUHI hosts about the organisation

You need to prepare one slide that you get 24 hours in advance of your RUHI session, which features just three questions:

  1. What was important for you over the last six months?

  2. Where do you want to go next?

  3. What/who do you want to be? (This one is deliberately open to interpretation!)

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Example 2: Confirmation Practices

I recently attended a webinar by Helen Sanderson (Wellbeing Teams) and Lyse Edwards (?) about Confirmation Practices, a methodology I’ve been a big fan of for years.

  • The principles of Confirmation Practices are:

    1. Reflective learning – Confirmation Practices start with the person's or team's reflection on how they are doing, instead of a manager giving feedback.

    2. Human-Centred Accountability – The focus of Confirmation Practices is on the meaningful conversations about commitments and outcomes, based on shared expectations.

    3. Collaborative Sense-Making – The practice seeks to "put the elephant in the room" by openly addressing critical issues in a constructive way.

How it works is:

  • You identify key statements that reflect either a key responsibility in your role and what good looks like, or a personal development goal you have (the idea is to make the statements specific, meaningful and (almost) impossible to achieve – this helps to “put the elephant in the room”)

  • Each time you meet with a coach or a buddy (every two to four weeks is a good amount of time), you will have rated yourself against each statement from 1-5 (where 5 = you are 100% confident you are doing/achieving it)

  • Your coach or buddy supports you to discuss why you gave yourself that score, and what action you would like to take to try and increase the score for the next time you meet

Here’s an example from a coaching session with someone who identified a number of personal development areas they wanted to focus on:

Once you’ve discussed the rating and the impact of that, the coach or buddy can ask coaching questions like:

  • If you were successful, what would 5 look like?

  • What are your ideas to move towards success?

  • Which action do you want to take forward? When we do these Confirmation Practices in x weeks, what would that take your score to?

  • What would be your first step?

  • What could get in the way? What support do you need?

  • How can you ask for this? How can I check in and support you? When? How?

Andy Brogan, the developer of Confirmation Practices says:

There is a profound need for a way to better manage performance; one that puts control into the work and that helps people hold themselves to account – to be responsible – for the value they create. This is where Confirmation Practices come in.

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Want to learn more?

Join one of our Tuff trainings where you can develop and practise an adult-adult way of being and leading conversations – for leaders, or our training for HR professionals.

To learn more about Confirmation Practices: